this is me, your approval isn't needed

Since it's 3am and I can't sleep, I guess this is a good time to write a new blog entry. I'm aiming for less emo, more happy this time. Let me know which one I achieve?

Yesterday I went to Harrisburg by myself. It felt normal. And normal is what i've been aiming for for the past three weeks. I've never wanted to be just normal so much in my entire life. I need to get things back to how they were before I lost Maggie. I think i'm doing better. I've been feeling better, at least, and that's all that really counts.

The fact that I am no longer a high school student has been really sinking in this week. On thursday I go to SIUE for a thing called "springboard to success". I basically meet other incoming freshmen, sign up for classes, and get my SIUE student ID. College is a scary thought, but I think i'm ready. I'd feel better about it if my family (not including my parents) supported me a little more. Everytime college is brought up, my mammaw likes to talk about how i'm not ready, and how I won't make it without my mom by my side at all times. Everyone likes to point out my flaws and state reasons as to why i'm not going to succeed. No one is saying "you're gonna be fine" or "i think you're ready to go to college". I know it's a huge life change, but a little support would make it easier.

You know what supports me no matter what? Music. Music is like a release for me. When I go to a concert, I forget about all my problems. I just let loose for those three or four hours. I scream, I jump around, and I let the stress out. It's a distraction from life. I don't think most people realize this. I think they see my constant begging for concert tickets as annoying, and they just don't understand. I cannot wait for July 8th. This is not only because No Doubt has finally gotten back together, but because right now my life is so stressful, I need that release. I need that freedom to scream at the top of my lungs, and dance like no one is watching. I need that time when the only thing that matters is having a good time and enjoying the music.

Music has gotten me through a lot during the last four years of my life (aka: high school). I don't know how, but I know that music is going to be a part of my career. I don't care if it's managing a band, marketing a band, or even being a merch girl. Music saves, and I want to be a part of that. I don't care if people think it's a stupid goal. Music is a huge part of my life, and I want to give back to the thing that has gotten me through some tough times.

Like I said, one of those tough time was my four years in high school. However, one thing I will always take with me from high school is a valuable lesson I learned: don't be afraid to be yourself. Freshmen year I was so concerned with fitting in that I wasn't really being myself. I was trying to be some stuck up girly-girl. I was miserable. I remember hearing Fall Out Boy for the first time, and falling in love. But I was so afraid that my friends wouldn't accept me liking something different that I didn't say anything. I know it sounds stupid, but this was really the turning point for me. When I stopped pretending to be this person that I wasn't, I felt a lot better about myself. When I ditched the pink and glittery clothes for band tees and skinny jeans, I felt like myself for once. And I was a lot happier. This is also why my clandestine bat tattoo is so important. It signifies the struggle to find myself. And no matter how cheesy it sounds, Fall Out Boy helped me with that. Without the "Sugar , We're Going Down" video, i'd probably still be wearing glittery, pink clothes and obsessing over my appearance. I'd also be miserable.

The point of that last paragraph was that I am not going in to college like that freshman girl from high school. I know i'm different. And I love myself for it. I'm going up there on thursday, band tee and skinny jeans in tow, and people are either going to like me, or they aren't. But i'm not being miserable again because I want to fit in. This is me, your approval isn't needed.